Behind the Wheel

I don’t do much driving anymore, what with living in the same building where I work. Yet though my time on the road is brief, I still manage to encounter some of the world’s biggest idiots. In honor of these dipsticks, I have written a few rules for the road. Pay close attention, you may not realize that some things you do are driving others crazy.

  • I know that $84,000 Mercedes has a blinker. Use it.
  • If the sign says right turn only, it probably means that going straight or to the left is damn near impossible. So don’t waste the time of me and the 80 other people behind you by trying.
  • If the light is red, STOP! Unless you drive a nice, expensive¬†car you don’t mind me owning.
  • Just because that slick cycle of yours goes 180 miles per hour doesn’t mean you should do that while weaving in and out of busy traffic.
  • If you insist upon going five miles under the speed limit, ride the bus.
  • If you’re so old that you forgot why you’re stopped and continue to sit there, tear up your license and call OATS (Older Adult Transportation Services).
  • Just because parking lots resemble smaller, slightly squared race tracks, that doesn’t mean you should drive through them like Dale Earnhardt Jr.
  • If you insist upon going 10 or more miles under the speed limit, why not just splurge and get that kickin’ Amish buggy you’ve been eyeing.
  • If you insist upon driving while chatting on your cell, don’t be surprised when I punctuate your sentences with my honking because you can’t do two things at once.
  • Women do not find car exhausts that sound like farts sexy. So stop buying them!
  • Just because your car costs more than I make in five years does not mean that traffic laws do not apply to you.
  • If it’s icy out, and you’re driving a four-wheel drive, do not force me into the ditch unless you really want me to run a search on your license plate, get your home address and then begin with the egging and the flaming bags of dog poo.
  • To women, loud stereo systems with the bass and subwoofers do not equivocate sexy. There is nothing sexy about that Miracle Ear you’ll be sporting at the tender age of 20.
  • Women also are not going to be proud of the massive system you’ve installed in your primer colored P.O.S. That’s not exactly a sign that you’re going to wine and dine a girl.

Just a few things to mull over.

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