I had meant to have this up yesterday, but…well, it was a rough day. It may be a day late, but I hope you still find it funny.
I have come to learn that apparently I’m kinda funny. Sure, I have hilariously bizarre situations that have occurred throughout my life that entertain people the world over, but I just thought the situations were funny, not myself. But then, every so often, I find something that even I can make funny. Thus, a few years back, I came up with The Best of Mindy. This is the 2009 edition.
- I smell like an April Fools’ prank.
- This dream’s so good I just know my alarm clock will go off any second and spoil it all.
- Should I take the middle-aged guy in the minivan pacing me and flirting as a compliment?
- Oh don’t say that. That means I’m going to sob like a five-year-old who just found her bike hanging from a tree. (That really happened. Story to come later.)
- Mom, Yanni put porn on the computer!
- I’d Sing Cold Shower Tuesdays as I took a cold shower, but I don’t find them as funny as I do the song.
- Oh Twizzlers, why must you be so addictively tasty.
- Just tried saying, “Please feel free to show up…” But instead said, “Please feel free to throw up.”
- Somebody get me a shovel.
- I just seriously bruised a bruise.
- Sign I should be in bed #1: Instead of putting on foundation, I tried spraying my leave-in conditioner on my face.
- Stupid Aztecs cursing my chicken wraps!
- Kitteh alarm clock says that I should get up now to give noms.
- I want an adult milkshake. Only adults though. Kids are a little gamey.
- They’re opening a Food Safety Institute in Olathe, Kans. If you visit, you get a meal then get to learn about e-coli and salmonella. Irony?
- Saw a semi with a cowbell hanging from its trailer. Where’s Christopher Walken when I need him?
- The cornbread tastes like lies!
- Ran over my foot with a Coke cooler. It’s true, what you love will hurt you.
- Just saw a car driving around with 2 large scarecrow dolls seatbelted in. Well…safety first, I guess.
- Sno cones are great and all, but I’m stickier than super glue on duct tape.
- Got two bites of banana. Thanks for sucking, gravity.
- Can’t even form coherent sentences, and I’m going to try to do laundry?
- Why do I always wake up feeling like morning has punched me in the face?
- So, if you’re already a pirate, is today talk like a regular person day?
- I wish I could share the bizarre sounds I hear in my office with you. It currently sounds like someone’s hiding in my ceiling tiles farting.
- We decided today there should be an alert level for Mindays. Today is an orange…especially when I dump spaghetti on the salad bar.
Happy 2010 everyone!