Horoscopes? More Like Horrorscopes.

Over the past couple of months, the topic of horoscopes has come up, with people asking whether or not I believe in them. I figured it was time to publicly declare my stance on the subject with a fun little story. So, sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a teenager named Mindy. Now, Mindy lived and breathed horoscopes. She read them every single day in the newspaper. She always took what she read with a grain of salt, but she enjoyed reading them (especially at the end of the day) to see if they had come true in some way.

Now, when Mindy was 18, she scored big. At a used car lot, she found a beeeeee-you-tiful 1985 BMW 325i. It was cherry red, had a moonroof, electric everything. She had to have it, so she scraped up every single dollar from her summer job at the golf course she worked at for the down payment and made it hers.

Once she had the car, Mindy fell head over heels in love with it. It couldn’t have been more perfect. She drove that perfect car everywhere. To work, her boyfriend’s house, her family’s house. She even went storm chasing in it (as you do when you live in the Midwest).

The day after she went storm chasing, Mindy got up and read her horoscope. It seemed pretty normal, except for one line: Don’t drive today.

Mindy read that and chuckled. Seriously? Don’t drive? Well, Mindy had things to do. She needed to license her brand new car. She needed to see her sister. She couldn’t do any of that if she didn’t drive. So, despite what she read, Mindy and her boyfriend hopped in her honey of a car and headed off.

Of course, they didn’t make it far. Less than a mile from her boyfriend’s house, Mindy drove up to an intersection where all of the stoplights had been shut down due to the storm. Now, Mindy knew exactly what to do in this situation. Whenever stoplights are out, one must treat the intersection like a four-way stop. So, that’s what she did.

When it was finally Mindy’s turn to go, she went. For about 10 feet. Then, the next thing she knew, she was facing a different direction and there were pebbles of glass all over her. To say she was confused would be an understatement. She was dazed and confused.

Mindy had been in her first official car accident.

Now, I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, holy cow! Did that really happen to poor Mindy? Why, yes, it did. But the story doesn’t end there.

Fast forward two years to when Mindy is 20. She is now driving a 1984 Honda Prelude, which was a pretty nice car (just not BMW nice). And she is still living and dying by the horoscope. So, when she reads a horoscope that says, Don’t drive today, she listens. She spends the entire day doing everything in her power to not have to drive. Until her friends decide to host a last-minute barbecue after a late afternoon rainstorm.

As her friends are wrapping up work, Mindy and the guy she has a massive crush on decide they’re going to run to Walmart real quick to pick up supplies. Mindy offers to drive since her crush doesn’t have a car (read: MINDY IS AN IDIOT WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR A CUTE BOY). So, Mindy and her crush head off to Walmart.

But they never make it.

While driving down the main drag in that one-horse college town, Mindy slows down so the car in front of her can turn into an adult novelty store. The lady behind Mindy was too worried about her Taco Bell that she didn’t look and rear-ended Mindy, who then rear-ended the car pulling into the adult novelty store.


So, yeah, I do believe in horoscopes, but I don’t read them any more. I just don’t want to know the misfortune I’m going to face. Never again.